Ric Carter's

Special Desert Edition

Your Editor has left his ridge-top retreat for a while, months upon end, to go journeying across the Great SouthWest aka Desert Rat Country. This and maybe a couple more editions will reflect the environment and contain much new material, I hope. Whatever I can steal or invent.

The old prospector sat back in the dusty, broken-down easy chair on the rickety, broken-down front porch of his sun-faded adobe and gazed out over the many yuccas, creosotes, mesquites, chollas and other bloom­ing desert wonders and figgered he couldn't have had a better garden if he'd a-tried. He hadn't tried for that, but that's how it worked out anyway.

  • "There's a saying among prospectors: 'Go out looking for one thing, and that's all you'll ever find.'"
    —Robert Flaherty
  • "You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." —Mark Twain
  • "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." —Howard Aiken
  • "Advise people never to engage in killing."
    —Henry McCarty aka William H Bonney aka Billy the Kid
  • Upon leaving a Prescott watering hole one Saturday night, two cowboys discovered their horses looked exactly alike. Perplexed, they decided to brand one of the horses. Realizing they were in no shape to do the branding themselves, however, they stopped another cowboy as he passed by and asked if he could help. "Sure," the sober man replied. "Which one do you want branded, the black one or the white one?" —Jennifer Monroe

    The Good Old Days Of Yore
    by Fred M. Griffen

    The wooly West has got effete,
    It makes me sore to think
    That nowadays a guy must sneak
    Outside to take a drink
    All I can do is set an' think
    Of good old days of yore

    Old-Timers say that The Future ain't what it used to be, but then it never was, was it? We think we remember how it used to be, and how it's going to be, but it ain't. Does that matter?

    R.I.P. Truth. "Truth is, indeed, long since dead, shot down by the blazing guns of Wild Bill Hickock, Wyatt Earp, Bat Masterson, Billy the Kid, and a dozen others, and her corpse lies moldering somewhere on the Great Plains, in an unmarked grave."

    Ric Carter's RIDGE RAT NEWS
    Looking Down Upon Sedona, Arizona

    Q: I read that at Arch Creek Park, a Tequesta Indian burial ground in Miami, one may experience sudden, highly localized temperature changes, strange feelings of being watched and a number of outright spectral sightings. Could this burial ground be haunted?
    A: Sure, but it could be a place where wind blows and peeping toms hang out and regular Judeo-Christian ghosts haunt people.
    Q: There haven't been many reports of crop circle sightings lately..Could it be that they were all actually phonies or have the aliens stopped sending messages to one another?
    A: I dunno. Maybe the fact that the last reported crop circles were of Wiley Coyote and Road Runner had something to do with their authenticity.
    Q: Scientific interest is growing in a Tennessee family's discovery of a 4-foot-long rock that strongly resembles an alligator, the Nashville Tennessean says. State archaeologist Nick Felder says, "My hunch from the photographs is that it's a rock that looks like an alligator." Have you heard of such a thing where you live?
    A: Alligator? Big whoop. Sedona has rocks that look like a cathedral, courthouse, lizard's head, coffee pot and even Snoopy. One alligator rock in Nashville doesn't excite the people in red rock country.
    Q: "It looked like a man covered in fur. Eight, nine feet tall. As I shined the light, there it was standing behind some trees. It stood there lookin' at me; its eyes were yellow." Such were the words of a Pennsylvania man recently to a newspaper reporter. There were similar sightings throughout the state in March. They even found huge prints in a wooded area. Is Sasquatch alive and well near Lake Erie?
    A: I can't say. I read the reports you are referring to. As I recall in the article, it said the prints were made by a huge boot. Unless you are going to start calling the phenomenon Bigfoot, I would say it was a big, hairy, jaundiced drunk taking a leak in the woods.
      —KOZMIK KORNER by Lush Gumball, Sedona Excentric, April 2004
    TENTH PLANET DISCOVERED - NASA announced that astronomers have discovered what may be the Solar System's 10th planet, a frozen world circling our Sun some billions of miles beyond Pluto. The remote object has been named Sedna, after the Inuit goddess of the sea. The similarity between the names Sedna and Sedona probably didn't occur to those hard-headed scientists, eh?

    SEDONA UNCOVERED - After a magnitude 10 hypercosmic orgasm, glowing remains of the ancient lost city of Sedona were brought to light by remote viewers. Long dismissed by orthodox science as mythical, this find proves all skeptics to be wrong wrong wrong. Pull my finger.
  • You should see my other little karma.
  • So many vortices, so little time.
  • Veni, Vidi, Vermillion: I came, I saw, Lots of red.
  • I brake for no apparent reason.
  • My driver's test came back negative.
  • Sedona: Designed by squirrels, run by nuts.
  • Proud parent of the child psychic of the month.
  • Objects in mirror may be hallucinations.
  • Don't honk, driver may still be in a trance.
  • Eat my red rock dust!
  • How am I flying?
  • I *do* own the road. What about it?
  • Carpool... give your imaginary friend a ride.
  • Caution! Next mood swing due any minute.
  • I *am* turning right... eventually.
  • Hit me! I have more insurance than you.
  • I know I'm in the number one lane. Put your finger away.
      —J.C. Brookwood, Sedona Excentric, April 2004
  • UnEarth Day — On Earth Day in Sedona the usual assortment of Earth Mothers and Earth Fathers and Moon Mothers and Moon Fathers and Martians and Venusians are on hand, along with corporate representatives proclaiming how their firms' pillage and rapine is actually beneficial to the environment. The rest of America may soon be a National Parking Lot but not here, the rocks are too steep. Pave Prescott instead.

    Ric Carter's RIDGE RAT NEWS
    Looking Around In Indian Country

    ELDERS VIEW PASSION OF CHRIST - From the Yav­apai-Apache Nation Senior's Program - On April 1, the Sen­ior Program took a group of about 30 elders to see the mo­vie "The Passion of the Christ." Before the movie, we had lunch at Zeke's restaurant next door. This was their Easter celebration for this year. They all seemed to enjoy this powerful movie.   —from Gah'nahvah / Ya ti' News, 4-3-2004

    Three Indian medicine men sat together discussing their work. The first said his people still did the Rain Dance. "Most of the time it rains, but sometimes it doesn't," he said. The second said his people dance the Corn Dance. "Most of the time, the corn grows big and plentiful, but sometimes it doesn't," he said. The third said with a big smile, "My people dance the Sunrise Dance, and the sun rises every time." —Sarah Rope

    In pre-Contact America more than 700 distinct native cultures existed, with languages as different as Welsh and Korean. Some had many gods, some none. White folks exploring or promoting "Indian spirituality" are just nuts.

    The tourist wandering around the reservation found a stone used for grinding corn. She interrupted an Indian man busy at work and asked him, "Can you tell me what they call this? And please say it slowly so I can pronounce it." The man wiped his hands, took the grinder from the tourist, and said, "Raaaoccccck. Is that slow enough?" —Irma Hall

    PIESTEWA NAME TO STAY ON PEAK - Proposed laws to reverse the naming of a prominant mountain in Phoenix were defeated in Arizona Senate committee. The name change honors the death of PFC Lori Piestewa, the first Native American woman to die in combat, killed early in the Iraq war.

    NAVAJO NATION MOURNS 1ST NAVAHO SOLDIER KILLED IN IRAQ - U.S. Army Sgt. Lee Duane Todacheene, 29, of Lukachukai, Ariz., an Army medic, was killed in a surprise attack. Sgt. Todacheene is the nephew of Virginia Dayish, wife of Navajo Nation Vice President Frank Dayish Jr.

      —via Arizona Native Scene vol.10/4, April 2004

    I wonder how many relatives of Bush or Cheney or Blair are participating in combat in Iraq, or Afghanistan, or anywhere? What have they got to lose?

    The government agent at the Indian reservation was telling the tribal chieftan that it was against the law to have more than one wife. "Now, I want you to tell all of your wives except one that they can no longer look upon you as a husband," he warned. "You tell um," suggested the chief.

    Ric Carter's RIDGE RAT NEWS
    Lookin'Down On Damn Near Ever'Thing

  • Roadrunners eat lizards, rattlesnakes, scorpions, mice and tarantulas. Just remember that the next time someone says you eat like a bird.
  • The roadrunner can run about 15 miles per hour. Just like my 1978 Pinto. —Tom Padovano
  • Roadrunners are so damn fast, they have to stop periodically just to let their shadows catch up. —Herm Albright

    I once lived in 29 Palms in a flat-roofed cinderblock house. Summer nights were too hot to sleep indoors, so I spread a pad and sleeping bag on the roof and counted stars. Every morning at dawn a roadrunner ran from the oasis across the street, thru my cactus garden, up my front porch roof, right across me, down the water-heater shed roof in back, and out across the open desert. Beep-Beep was my alarm clock.

  • AT THE 2004 PIMA COUNTY FAIR (Tucson): concerts by the Village People, Blue Oyster Cult, and an all-saxaphone jazz band; Demolition Derby; Side Show with Contortionists, Fire Eaters and the Mistress of Mesmerism; and the White Tiger Show.

    AT THE 2004 MARICOPA COUNTY FAIR (Phoenix): concerts by 50's Stars Impersonators; Antique Tractor Exposition; Monster Truck Rides; Demolition Derby; Racing Pigs; Doggies of the Wild West; Showboat Marionettes.

    --via Arizona Tourist News, April 2004

    Kinda hard to choose between these, ain't it? But I think I'll vote for the Racing Pigs.

    The ghost-town's economy had collapsed because of an extended drought in the area. One old-timer's son was 25 years old before he ever felt rain on his face. It scared him so badly he fainted, and they had throw a handful of sand in his face to wake him up. —Phyllis Beving
    MEDICAL NEWS. The American Medical Society published the results of a new nutrition study: Japanese people eat very little fat and suffer far fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans; Mexicans eas a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans; Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The German people drink a lot of beer and eat lots of fatty sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Medical Society concluded that you can eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.
      —INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman, Sedona Excentric, April 2004

    Ric Carter's RIDGE RAT NEWS: Published somewhere off Shake Ridge, Volcano town, Amador Co. Calif., despite everything - Published whenever I have something worth saying, if not oftener - This here's issue #5, a Desert Special but there may be others, depends on how long I stay here and how many words I can steal, er borrow.

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    Ric Carter, drsb@klaxo.net, www.klaxo.net, copyright © by OTRSS