TEN CENTS . . . . . . . ONLY ONE LOUSY THIN DIME
PACKET ONE OF POUCH NINE
Don't Let Those Buzzards Scare You
Simplicity of all things, is the hardest to be copied. 2
Packet 1 of Pouch 9
This paper is not entered as second class mail. It's a first class newspaper.
Published at Fort Oliver
THOUSAND PALMS, CALIFORNIA
Four Times a Year
ON THE NEWS STANDS 10¢ A COPY
But sometimes they don't have them.
ONE YEAR BY MAIL — 4 COPIES 50¢
Darned if I am going to the trouble of mailing it for nothing.
10 Years .............. $5.00 100 Years ..............$50.00 This offer expires when I do
Asbestos editions will be forwarded in case you don't make it.
Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
"Age seldom improves with whiskey."
Happiness doesn't make you forgive your enemies, it makes you forget you have any.
More persons, on the whole, are humbugged by believing in nothing, than by believing too much.
THE MAILDear Harry:
We like your record of Tall Tales and have played it a lot, Our bird (Bridget) listens, too. She doesn't talk yet but she will soon be a bird "Desert Rat" — cuss words and all!
Alene Anderson, Alameda, Calif.
REMEMBERYOU AIN'T DEAD YET
Take your medicine — small dose, a smile — big dose, a laugh — now go to sleep with someone else's thoughts on your mind. You will find a hundred such in this little paper, (I pick them nice and short.)
This is not a get well note, — It's a, "YOU ARE WELL" command.
OTHER FELLOWS HAVE PROBLEMS
A sheepherder decided to commit suicide. He went to a nearby mine and asked the watchman for the loan of a shotgun and a box of shells. He explained to the miner that he wanted to commit suicide.
"I can understand you want to commit suicide," said the latter, "and you are welcome to the gun and shells. But why do you need a whole box of shells?"
"I have been all through this before," replied the sheepherder, "with no luck. I am so gun shy I never get anything but a running shot at myself."
Mountain climbers rope themselves together because there is safety in numbers — also it keeps the sensible ones from going home.
"It's been rumored around town that you and your husband aren't getting along too well?"
"Nonsense. We did have some words, and I shot him. But that's as far as it went.
The Old Plank Road
Dear Harry Oliver, Don Quixote, Sir Galahad, Defender of the Desert, and Esteemed Friend:
Some of us old and New Timers are Concerned lest the old Plank Road between Yuma and Holtville Disappear from the Sands of the Earth, and be No More. Shouldn't steps be taken to Preserve a short bit of it for Old Time sake? Any Suggestions?
[plank road image:]
Thanks Vollie Tripp, your suggestion spurred me to get out my rusty chisels and whack out a wood-cut, — I will give it all I can, — Imperial Valley Folks have always been alert and proud of their historic past, and I think would see fit to mark, protect and show preterite concern in such a plan.
By S. OMAR BAKER
Inhabitant of dogs and rabbits, The flea has enviable habits. He wants no TV, builds no dams, Nor gets tied up in traffic jams. No tax return (with carbon copy) Keeps him from feeling always hoppy. He writes no books, nor does he read'em, To bolster his belief in fleadom!
Some people never smile; they only grin.
A smile to the nurse - - - softens your pillow.
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.
A MIRACLE: An event described by those to him it was told by men who did no see it.
What if marriage licences expired each year like car licences?
My Dog Whiskers
One of the best uses of originality is to say common things in an uncommonway 3
POWER OF POSITIVE BOLOGNA PACKET This page is dedicated to the World's Greatest Optimist - the DESERT PROSPECTOR 4
Harry Oliver's DESERT RAT SCRAP BOOK
ROMANTIC DESERT TRADE RATS
From S.F. "Scoop" Garside heirapparant [sic] of the pioneer newspaper publishing family of good old Goldfield and Tonopah days in Nevada.
A trade rat is a curious animal. It derives its name from the fact that it was never known to steal anything without leaving something in its place. Why it does this has never been explained. Some have called an honest thief, but the fact that the article left is usually a a pebble, a piece of sagebrush or a stick, hardly seems to entitle him to this distinction. That a trade rat has no sense of values has been shown by instances where the article left in exchange was a chunk of rich gold "float" that led to the discovery of a valuable mine.
There is one authentic instance of where one of these night marauders was the principle factor in a very pretty romance. It was several decades ago that a certain mining engineer, whose name today is a familiar one in Pacific coast mining circles, was camping at the eastern edge of Death Valley. During the night a trade rat invaded his tent and carried away his pocket knife, leaving in exchange a small gold locket. When the young engineer opened the locket it was to gaze upon the face of a smiling young girl about 15 or 16 years of age. Inside of the case were the initials A.K. Having a streak of sentiment in his makeup, the engineer took the locket to a jeweler and had it attached to his watch chain.
Afout five years later this engineer made a trip to the coast to make a report on a mining property to a San Francisco banker. Sitting in the office of the banker making his report he was suddenly interrupted by that gentlemen.
"Where did you get that?" demanded the banker, pointing to the locket dangling from the young man's watch chain. "Let me have a look at it, please."
The engineer unsnapped the chain from his watch and handed it over.
"As I thought," exclaimed the banker. "It's my daughter's locket, where did you find it?"
In the exchange of stories that followed, it was revealed that the your lady had lost the locket while making a trip through the Death Valley country with a party of tourists. The banker invited the young man to call. A few months later there was a wedding at "the little church around the corner." The engineer still carries the locket at a watch charm. "I'm rather fond of trade rats," he often tells his friends.
Reading your article on the Old West reminded me of a story told by Dr. R.L. Forbes, of the University of Arizona, when he addressed the Arizona Cattleman's Association last year.
One of the local character of the Old West, Uncle Bob Leatherwood, got in an argument about religion with a bunch of men, and be $20 that no one present could recite the Lord's Prayer.
A cowboy instantly matched Uncle Bob's twenty, and recited:
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep."
"You win," declared Uncle Bob. "I didn't think you knew it."
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
We should believe only in deeds. Words go for nothing everywhere. - - -
Joy, temperence, and repose, slam the door on the doctor's nose.
He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.
Memory, wit, fancy, acuteness, cannot grow young again in old age; but the heart can.
It might be well if more of us adopted the philosophy of the man with this formula for a long life: When I walk, I walk slow; when I sit, I sit loose; when I worry, I sleep.
BEER AND LIZARDS
My old friend "Feather-In-The-Wind" sat with me in silence, observing some lizards on a big rock, said, he to me that they "Talk" to one another. "Oh, well", the old Indian added thoughtfully, "Maybe lizards don't exactly talk, but they sure as hell know what they say."
"What do you say we have some beer? I asked. [sic] So then we drank a silent toast to the lizards.
Short sentences drawn from long experiences.
Character is what you are in the dark.
Life is not to live, but to be well.
Dyspepsia is the remorse of a guilty stomach.
Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
It never occurs to fools that merit and good fortune are closely united.
Very often the quiet feller has said all he knows.
Gossip has been well defined as putting two and two together, and making it five.
Ideas are like beards; men do not have them until they grow up. —Voltaire
Individuality is either the mark of genius or the reverse. Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll have you. —Don Marquis
It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into. —Swift
When you yawn, you might as well know that you're usually suffering from one of these: boredom, hunger, fatique or poor ventilation, - - - But science hasn't yet discovered why yawns are contagious.
Doesn't the time ever come, in the life of a conscientious person, when he can become satisfied with himself as he then is, quit trying for improvement, and begin capitalizing a nd profiting on what he has become? Does he, all through the entire three-score-ten-and-plus years, have to try to be better and better? Can't he relax some time? Doesn't the time ever arrive when he can quit sowing and begin reaping?
NANNY GOAT ADOPTS LITTER OF PUPPIES
NEWBERG, ORE.— Throwing convention to the wind, a nanny goat owned by J. Moser has adopted a litter of motherless kittens. The goat took over her job seriously and no stranger or animals are allowed near her foster brood.
It was painful, but Merill Crockett of the Village Pharmacy told me how to get rid of cactus spines. You just stretch a wide band of adhesive tape over the affected part and give a yank. The spines come out. Only difficulty was that where I was hit they didn't make tape wide enough.
Buffalo Bill's Bill-Board Indians
THE LAST MAN TO FIGHT BUFFALO BILL
EAGER BEAVERS 5
We Desert Folks don't always have much on our minds, but about half of us have whiskers on our chins, rangin' from Maltese to Tobacco-juice roan, and bein' folks that talk only about what we know and see, we've gone over this whisker business a number of times. Here's the result of the last combin': Whiskers is worn most by high-brows and low-brows, extremes both ways. They seen to come with thinkers; the low-brow tells you what he thinks while the high-brow deals out somebody else's thoughts. As to the beards themselves we can't see there's much difference. We come to his conclusion last fall when Gopher Joe was pilotin' round that high-powered archeologist who come all the way out here from Washington to look for Indian beads, cause both their beards looked like they came out of the same litter.
Written about the time safety-razors were invented, 30 years before the Russians ? ? ? gave us the Electric-Razor.
This causes me to tell what I know about whiskers and why people wear them, "as to me." I started to write as "The Old Desert Rat" 35 years ago and thought the whiskers would help me to look the part. Today at 70 I could do without them. But I have 'BECOME ACUSTOMED TO MY FACE' and it also saves a lot of shaving.
Many wear beards because of weak chins, but many more to cover double chins, this is by far the most successful use for them, but as most double chins are on short people and short people cannot wear beards without looking like Russian Spies or the 7 Dwarfs — they just have to "whistle as they work," and are not so eager to become "Eager Beavers"!